Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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Going into Monday like
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Welcome to the stomach
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
no one likes gloating
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back