me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Finally!
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing