[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
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me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.