Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs