“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.