my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?