If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
I needed a laugh this morning.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.