I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
You Might Also Like
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.