if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator