My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
How it started How it’s going
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.