BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.