My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Cashiers are always checking me out
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.