if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
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Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
fair
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.