“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.