My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I like long walks away from everyone
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.