[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?