A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
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[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: