Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
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PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
umm…
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor