[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.