Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
🤣could you imagine
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
As the Lord intended
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this