*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
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When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Mhm.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?