life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
How dramatic are you?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.