I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring