“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
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Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.