Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
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Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
My time has come.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk