How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Well, this explains it:
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together