Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
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3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep