There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.