I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
my sentiments exactly
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.