After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
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I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.