I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I have a type: disappointing
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?