If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Monday
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Seems kinda suspicious
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic