Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
shampoo implies shampee
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons