Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
You Might Also Like
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option