“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
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Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts