Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
This woman is my idol. Free her.