Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Beware of fowl play.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello