Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
my retirement plan is braless
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!