Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
this is the news I live for
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”