[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
This kid is going places
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.