going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I need to get some bricks…
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me