Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
it was love at first sight
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART