Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely