Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
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My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed