“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Breaking news:
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.