I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
“i am a sweet baby”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.