I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
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Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
How your email finds me
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
This is my emotional support knife.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married