i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.