“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
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The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
🤔😂😂
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
are there any atheist mantises?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.