Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.